Joe's Answer:
It appears that many parents and churches have avoided the subject of sex. The thinking often goes like this, "If we talk about sex our teens and singles will want to do it. To keep from exciting those urges we won't discuss anything to do with sex. So we'll just tell them 'don't do it!' and leave it at that. They'll figure out the good parts when they marry."

Of course, that "silent approach" fails in several ways. First, not talking about sex to people who are discovering their own sexuality is to leave them to be shaped by the world. We've seen the consequences of that! Second, avoiding sexual conversations doesn't decrease curiosity or desire. Just the opposite: It makes temptation stronger. Finally, leaving couples like you unprepared for the love life you are about to experience often creates all sorts of marital distress in your future. It's the truth that sets us free, not ignorance.

Allow me to give you a quick overview of the sexual experience and then direct you to a more detailed resource you may wish to have to help you grow in your sexual love for each other.
The sexual experience itself has four stages. Arousal. Plateau. Climax. Recovery.

Arousal occurs when a person's body moves into an eroticized state. The most important thing to remember about arousal is that the woman's body will prepare for sex quite differently than the man's. For men sex is a reaction. Put the right stimulus in front of him and he's ready for sex in a matter of seconds. Blood redirects into the penis, causing an erection and he can quickly begin sexual intercourse. But this is exactly why so many men make lousy lovers. They assume that because they are ready, their wife is ready as well.
Not necessarily true.

For women, sex is a decision. After they decide to be involved in sex, their body takes several minutes (figure at least twenty minutes) to prepare of sexual union. Physical changes occur that require time. Her breasts swell slightly, especially the area around the nipple. Her vaginal lips swell to create more friction during intercourse. The key to her pleasure-her clitoris-becomes larger and more sensitive so that she may experience pleasure and orgasm. Her vagina begins to lubricate. If you try to enter her before she is ready, not only do you run the risk of intercourse being painful for her, you will almost certainly frustrate her. She won't enjoy the sensations, feelings, and ecstasies God intended her to enjoy. So make sure you allow plenty of time for her to become aroused. During that arousal period, gently kiss, caress, and speak soft romantic words to her. The more of her five senses you excite-touch, hearing, sight, smell, and taste-the better lover you will be.

Plateau is that very pleasurable period where both of you are aroused and enjoying all the wonderful sensations of sexual contact. You may be actively involved in intercourse. Or you may be exploring each other's body in other ways. Anything you can do at this point to continue the very sensual pleasures of each other's bodies works well. Don't be in a hurry. Just because she's ready doesn't mean that she-or you-has to orgasm right away. Take your time and enjoy every feeling and sensation that you can. For most men, ejaculation comes within three minutes of beginning intercourse. Real lovemaking is more fulfilling, and a lot more fun, if you postpone your orgasm for a while.

Orgasm usually ends the plateau period for the man. He immediately enters a refractory period in which his body recuperates from his orgasm to the point of being able to have another. The older the man, the longer this period takes. While a very young newlywed may have two or three orgasms in one long night of lovemaking, an elderly man may find that he can have an orgasm only every two or three days. Admittedly, orgasm is the most intense physical sensation, but don't try to make it happen too quickly. It's the culmination of a whole series of pleasurable activities and sensations. Don't make it your goal, but your reward for doing well in everything that precedes it.

Many women find that orgasm doesn't necessarily mean that they must end their plateau. Quite a few women are multi-orgasmic. That means they can go from orgasm back into plateau and have another orgasm without much time lapse. Truly multi-orgasmic women can go from orgasm to plateau to orgasm to plateau an indefinite number of times. Of course, that almost always means a very understanding and considerate lover who isn't focused on his orgasm but on giving her as many as possible in this lovemaking session. But most men report that they enjoy the sexual experience much more when their wives are experiencing orgasm after orgasm. They find it quite a turn-on.

Recovery happens as a person returns to his or her uneroticised state. Just as it doesn't take a man very long to be aroused, it doesn't take him very long to recover. He can be ready to mow the lawn, take a shower, or roll over and sleep very quickly after his orgasm. Not so with the female. Just as it took her a longer period for arousal (at least twenty minutes), it will take her a longer while to recover. Most men would increase their lovemaking expertise dramatically if they didn't allow their quick recovery to make them insensitive to their wife's longer recovery. Just as she needed kissing, caressing, and gentle romantic words to arouse, she needs similar attention to recover. Nonsexual kissing, caressing, and talking gives her a wonderful way to recover without feeling abandoned. She needs the time with you to get back to her uneroticised state. Be a good lover and give her that time and attention.

For more detailed information on how to be a good lover, I recommend the Home Version of my seminar Love, Sex & Marriage. You can find out more about those tapes and workbooks here.

-Joe Beam
President & Chairman of the Board
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2001 Joe Beam. All rights reserved.

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