 |
A Christian Sex Life
Question: We're
getting married soon and all we know about sex is what we've learned
from our friends at school. Is this a common situation for Christian couples?
Any suggestions to help us start our marriage right? -An Anxious Brother in
Christ
|
Joe's Answer (Christian sex) :
It appears that many parents and churches have avoided the subject of sex. The
thinking often goes like this, "If we talk about sex our teens and singles
will want to do it. To keep from exciting those urges we won't discuss anything
to do with sex. So we'll just tell them 'don't do it!' and leave it at that. They'll
figure out the good parts when they marry."
Of
course, that "silent approach" fails in several ways. First, not talking
about sex to Christian people who are discovering their own sexuality is to leave them to
be shaped by the world. We've seen the consequences of that! Second, avoiding
sexual conversations doesn't decrease curiosity or desire. Just the opposite:
It makes temptation stronger. Finally, leaving couples like you unprepared for
the love life you are about to experience often creates all sorts of marital distress
in your future. It's the truth that sets us free, not ignorance.
Allow
me to give you a quick overview of the sexual experience and then direct you to
a more detailed resource you may wish to have to help you grow in your sexual
love for each other.
The sexual experience itself has four stages: Arousal.
Plateau. Climax. Recovery.
Arousal
occurs when a person's body moves into an eroticized state. The most important
thing to remember about arousal is that the woman's body will prepare for sex
quite differently than the man's. For men sex is a reaction. Put the right stimulus
in front of him and he's ready for sex in a matter of seconds. Blood redirects
into the penis, causing an erection and he can quickly begin sexual intercourse.
But this is exactly why so many men make lousy lovers. They assume that because
they are ready, their wife is ready as well.
Not necessarily true.
For
women, sex is usually a decision. After they decide to be involved in sex, their body
takes several minutes (figure at least twenty minutes) to prepare of sexual union.
Physical changes occur that require time. Her breasts swell slightly, especially
the area around the nipple. Her vaginal lips swell to create more friction during
intercourse. The key to her pleasure-her clitoris-becomes larger and more sensitive
so that she may experience pleasure and orgasm. Her vagina begins to lubricate.
If you try to enter her before she is ready, not only do you run the risk of intercourse
being painful for her, you will almost certainly frustrate her. She won't enjoy
the sensations, feelings, and ecstasies God intended her to enjoy. So make sure
you allow plenty of time for her to become aroused. During that arousal period,
gently kiss, caress, and speak soft romantic words to her. The more of her five
senses you excite-touch, hearing, sight, smell, and taste-the better lover you
will be.
Plateau
is that very pleasurable period of sex where both of you are aroused and enjoying all
the wonderful sensations of sexual contact. You may be actively involved in intercourse.
Or you may be exploring each other's body in other ways. Anything you can do at
this point to continue the very sensual pleasures of each other's bodies works
well. Don't be in a hurry. Just because she's ready doesn't mean that she-or you-has
to orgasm right away. Take your time and enjoy every feeling and sensation that
you can. For most men, ejaculation can come within three minutes of beginning intercourse.
Real lovemaking, however, is more fulfilling, and a lot more fun, if you postpone your orgasm
for a while.
Orgasm
usually ends the plateau period for the man. He immediately enters a refractory
period in which his body recuperates from his orgasm to the point of being able
to have another. The older the man, the longer this period takes. While a very
young newlywed may have two or three orgasms in one long night of lovemaking,
an elderly man may find that he can have an orgasm only every two or three days.
Admittedly, orgasm is the most intense physical sensation, but don't try to make
it happen too quickly. It's the culmination of a whole series of pleasurable activities
and sensations within sex. Don't make it your goal, but more your reward for doing well in everything
that precedes it.
Many
women find that orgasm doesn't necessarily mean that they must end their plateau.
Quite a few women are multi-orgasmic. That means they can go from orgasm back
into plateau and have another orgasm without much time lapse. Truly multi-orgasmic
women can go from orgasm to plateau to orgasm to plateau an indefinite number
of times during sex. Of course, that almost always means a very understanding and considerate
lover who isn't only focused on his orgasm but on giving her as many as possible in
this lovemaking session. But most men report that they enjoy the sexual experience
much more when their wives are experiencing orgasm after orgasm. They find it
quite a turn-on.
Recovery
happens as a person returns to his or her uneroticised state after sex. Just as it doesn't
usually take a man very long to be aroused, it doesn't usually take him very long to recover.
He can be ready to mow the lawn, take a shower, or roll over and sleep very quickly
after his orgasm. This is not usually so with the female. Just as it took her a longer period
for arousal (at least twenty minutes), it will take her a longer while to recover.
Most men would increase their lovemaking expertise dramatically if they didn't
allow their quick recovery to make them insensitive to their wife's longer recovery.
Just as she needed kissing, caressing, and gentle romantic words to become aroused, she
needs similar attention to recover. Nonsexual kissing, caressing, and talking
gives her a wonderful way to recover from sex without feeling abandoned. She needs the
time with you to get back to her uneroticised state. Be a good Christian lover and give
her that time and attention.
For
more detailed information on how to be a good lover, I recommend the Home Version
of my seminar Love, Sex & Marriage. You can find out more about those downloadable audios and workbooks here.
If your marriage is in trouble, click here for more information on how my LovePath 911 seminar can save your marriage.
 |
Your Love Path HOME KIT
by Joe Beam
The Your LovePath Home Kit is for married couples who want to take their marriage to the next level or for those who need to revive lost love!
The kit includes 2 workbooks, 1 DVD and 1 Your Love Path book.
Click
here to preview and purchase |
