Many people know that something is missing from their lives but usually can’t
quite put their fingers on what it is they’re lacking. That’s why so
many people feel lonely, or empty, or unfulfilled although they appear to have
every reason to feel just the opposite.
What
is this elusive prize?
Intimacy.
Humans are born
with an irresistible need for it. With the exception of those He gifted for singleness
(1 Corinthians 7:7), God intended from the beginning that we develop intimacy
with another person to the point that the two will become ONE (Genesis 2). One
in flesh (sexual intimacy), one in Him (spiritual intimacy), and one in heart
(emotional intimacy).
Sadly,
our work with thousands and thousands of people clearly reveals that most couples
don’t have that wonderful oneness. Millions of couples have sexual congress,
but few experience sexual intimacy. A growing number of spouses share faith, but
few share it to the point that they feel true intimacy with God and each other.
Couples live in the same house, but not many share true emotional intimacy. Witnessing
the sparseness of it among married people - even Christians - led me to place
a warning in my book Becoming One:
If
your life seems empty or unfulfilled, it may well be because you don’t feel
the intimacy with your spouse God designed you to have. If you experience feelings
of loneliness or occasionally find yourself longing for a relationship very different
from the one you now have, it’s almost a sure thing that intimacy hasn’t
reached its intended level.
Why
is that important to know?
Because
at Family Dynamics we continually encounter people who lose their marriages because they despaired
of finding within it what they so badly needed. Their misguided longing for intimacy
masquerades in many costumes. Some think they crave more sex. Others more fame.
Others a chemical high to replace the dullness or pain of their lives. People
looking for intimacy so often are so confused about what it really is that they
are after that they find themselves capable of making nearly any kind of destructive
decision - paramours, posturing, parties. They exchange what they are experiencing
for what they think they want to experience, only to discover that they are just
as unfulfilled as before.
What’s
the answer?
It’s
as simple as falling in love.
In
previous articles, I began sharing my "Falling in Love" Model that explains
how people fall in love, fall out of love, and how they can fall in love with
each other again. The first thing that draws us to another is the allure of his
or her physical attractiveness. But not every person we find attractive reciprocally
finds us attractive. And not every person we find attractive is a person with
whom we would want intimacy once we came to know him or her. By the time we reach
adulthood, most of us have learned that a person’s outward appearance may
not accurately represent the personality within. Sometimes a "beautiful"
person can be downright ugly, and someone that is unattractive by the world’s
standards can be quite beautiful.
So
what is the next step after attraction in developing love? Is it intimacy? Of
course it is. But let’s call it acceptance, because the best way to understand
it is to understand intimacy.
But
first, let’s acknowledge the dilemma.
Would
it surprise you to know that in national surveys, men and women have different
ideas about what intimacy is? Men tend to define it as some form of action, such
as sexual union or physically doing something for the female. ("What do you
mean we need more intimacy? I just built you a gazebo!") Women tend to view
intimacy as sharing an emotional bond, warmth, closeness, and vulnerability. As
one woman explained to me, "Say it slower and you have the definition. Into-me-see."
In terms of falling
in love or rebuilding love, both genders have it right. No, not equally right.
Women have the better grasp of it. We males have to learn that we must begin with
the woman’s definition of intimacy if we ever want to experience intimacy
as we view it. But men do have it right that if a couple genuinely develops warmth
and closeness, it will lead to actions, sexual and otherwise. While it is possible
to start with the actions and hope for the feelings to come later, that path is
fraught with multiple perils. The better course is to develop the emotional oneness
that is intimacy, and then allow the actions to naturally follow.
How
can we guys do that?
Well,
it takes understanding on the part of both husband and wife. The first thing that
must happen is that we have to quit teaching each other to lie. Next, we need
to understand the sequence most people follow as they learn to make themselves
vulnerable to the other. Understanding that sequence can change the way you communicate
to each other in marvelous fashion. Finally, we must learn how to give (and get)
acceptance, even when we hear our spouses say things we don’t like.
In
the next few articles I intend to explain all this and more, as we look at how
any two people can develop emotional intimacy that leads to sexual and spiritual
intimacy. If your marriage is in so much trouble that you cannot wait weeks for
the answers, call 1-800-650-9995 and ask about our powerful A New Beginning seminar for couples in crisis.
As
you read these articles, feel free to read more at JoeBeam.com. While I cannot
guarantee personal answers to all questions, I will answer pertinent questions
in future columns. Let’s not settle for anything less than genuine intimacy;
intimacy with God and intimacy with the marriage partner he has given us.
-Joe
Beam
President & Chairman of the Board
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2001 Joe Beam.
All rights reserved.
Click
here for more articles written by Joe Beam.
|
