I met David the night he shot me.

I was sitting in the dorm room of one of my fellow students when in strolled this guy that I had seen around but didn’t know. Without saying a word he walked over to me, pulled a gun from under his shirt, pushed it against my side, and fired. A flash of light, a crack like thunder. The thing I remember most vividly is the pain.

When an assailant is that close, the smart thing to do would be to grab the gun so he couldn’t shoot you again. Not used to combat situations, I did the same thing everyone else in the room did. I yelped and jumped away from him. Before any of us could reach the door, he raised the pistol over his head, yelled, “It’s only blanks” and convulsed in laughter. It took a moment for the thought to register, then the other guys chuckled hesitantly while keeping an eye on his weapon. 

I immediately examined my side and, surely enough, there was no hole. No blood. However, there was an intense powder burn that ruined my shirt and felt like a match held to my skin. In words I choose not to repeat here I informed this new guy that that hurt and I saw no humor in it in the least.

Thus began a wonderful friendship.

Seriously.

From that time, David Fletcher and I had many an adventure together. Some legal. Who can forget being slammed against a State Trooper’s car by one officer who searched us while the other kept his gun on us? I’m pretty sure that one wasn’t loaded with blanks. Ah, memories.

When Alice and I went to get our marriage license, I discovered that because I was not yet 21 a parent had to sign for me. I called David. He called his fiance. I met Diane in the parking lot and she signed my mother’s name so that Alice and I could get the document and proceed with our upcoming wedding.

In short, David and I became friends for life. He married Diane. I married Alice. It’s been a while since we’ve seen them because they live in one state and us in another. But that makes little difference. He knows he could still call me and ask for anything and I know the same about him. We haven’t and won’t see everything alike. But we saw through the flaws each of us as humans have and found the good at the core of who we really are.

So what’s my point?

You’ve heard all your life that you never get a second chance to make a good first impression. That’s true. But it’s not the whole story. Even bad first impressions can be overcome and abiding relationships develop if both decide not to let the first impression become the only impression.

No matter how bad things start, or how bad they may have gotten, good people can still work things out and have wonderful adventures together.

If you need help to make that happen in your marriage, go to www.LovePathInternational.com and we’ll do all we can to help.

True learning begins when you accept that not everything you believe is true, without fearing that everything you believe is not true.

Warning: In this blog I use very frank terms to answer a question about a particular sexual act. If that may offend you, please do not proceed.

The question came not as a question but as just two words. Anal sex.

When this question comes during one of my Love, Sex & Marriage workshops, I usually ask the audience why they think people want to have sex via anal penetration. These are the most common responses:

•    To keep from getting pregnant.
•    It’s exciting to do something “forbidden”
•    Variety
•    Because after childbirth the wife’s vagina is not as tight
•    Some people find sexual excitement in mild to moderate pain

In the seminar I offer other methods for including variety in a couple’s sexual life. I also provide exercises, medical alternatives, and differing positions that can offset the stretching of the vaginal canal after childbirth. (If you wish to ask about any of these, please go to the main page www.JoeBeam.com and find the form to send the query to me.) Then I move on to give my view of whether anal sex is a valid practice.

Be aware that my answer is based in my Christian faith. As quickly as I state that I also need to explain that I am not one of those who think that anything other than typical intercourse is unnatural, sinful, perverted, or any other negative word some may conjure. I’m told that some site actually branded me a heretic because I don’t condemn oral sex. (Somebody definitely needs to understand what heresy is, don’t you think, before they embarrass themselves again.) Therefore, I’m used to being attacked with any number of invectives by those who have sexual hang-ups and try to blame them on Scripture. That, however, will not affect my answer. I share based on what I believe to be true, not based on political correctness as defined by any group.

There are several principles in the Bible that apply to our sexual lives. I won’t make a long Bible lesson here, but am happy to offer a sheet with scriptures concerning the basic sexual principles if you wish to have it. Just ask. Here I condense them into three major areas:

1.    Sex is to be with the person you are married to and no one else, in reality or fantasy.
2.    Sex is never to involve any animal. (I know, this freaks some out but it is a Biblical principle.)
3.    Sex must never do harm to either person.

It is that last principle that applies to anal sex. While I am definitely not a medical doctor or an expert on human anatomy, I have asked several physicians who work with “that” area of the body. (Okay, anus or rectum. Happy?) So far, each has told me that anal sex — penetrating the anus with an erect penis or a mechanical device of corresponding size or larger — does irreparable harm to the body.

Therefore, as a Christian I object to the practice based on I Corinthians 6:19-20. As a human being, I object to it based on the fact that it does damage.

Again, if you wish to know other ways to bring variety to your sex life, ask.

Not sure why, but on four occasions over the last few days I’ve witnessed the same phenomena. Maybe I’m supposed to get some kind of message from that. Maybe it’s just that prevalent.

In each situation the wife and the husband had very different personalities. Nothing unusual about that. We know that more than 80% of people in the USA marry someone who is similarto them in ethnicity, age (within 5 years), attractiveness, socio-economic status, values, and the like. However, we also know that a large number of people marry someone dissimilar to themselves in personality or temperament. The theories are that by marrying someone of similar background we accomplish a degree of familiarity that gives us comfort, but by marrying somone different in personality we “balance” ourselves in some ways.

Therefore, it’s not unusual to see that mates are very different while being very much alike. Whether you see the differences or similarities depends on what you pay attention to. In my business, I try to notice both. However, I especially pay attention to the differences.

The simplest method for evaluating differences (there are many, as you might imagine) is by evaluating two aspects of behavior. Does the person tend to process before acting or act before processing? Does the person seem reserved and a little more difficult to get to know or does s/he seem open, affable, and easy to get to know? This methodology has existed from roughly 300 B.C. so it’s nothing new or novel. It does, however, work rather well in most cases.

With those four questions we derive four basic temperaments and from many years of research and experience we know something about how those temperaments interact with each other. I call them Commander, Communicator, Completer, and Calculator. You can read about them in my new book Your LovePath that will be out just after the first of the year. (I’ll offer you a discount if you wish to put your name on the list to be notified as soon as the book is published. To put your name on the list email info@JoeBeam.com.)

It would take many more pages than I have room for here to describe these temperaments and interactions. Therefore, I address just one small, but important, matter. The Commander tends to be a person that is competitive, bottom-line-driven, direct, let’s-fix-it-now, and has a strong ego. The Completer tends to be a person that is laid-back, likes to think things through before acting, avoid conflict when possible, family-oriented, tradtional, and loyal. Though I don’t have space to give more direction, you likely already see that these two temperaments married to each other can lead to some unhappy situations. commanders will take risks. Completers hate risk and want security. Commanders want to fix things now, directly and bluntly. Completers want to let it alone for a while and, if forced into conflict they aren’t ready for, will often resort to passive/aggressive behavior.

As many problems as that brings when the husband is the Commander and the wife is the Completer, in all four situations I witnessed recently the problems were exacerbated because the wife was the Commander and the husband was the Completer. She wanted to address things immediately, say bluntly what she wanted to communicate, and force the husband to solve everything right now, which, in her estimation could be done if he would just do what she asks. He, on the other hand, wanted to stay very calm, think things through for a while, and, sometimes, ignore the problem long enough for it to take care of itself. In these situations the Commander gets frustrated that the Completer won’t stand up in face-to-face combat to resolve matters. The Completer feels disrespected, badly treated, and walked on. Usually the Commander gets more forceful and strident while the Completer gets quieter, more reserved, and starts building a wall to protect himself from the Commander’s intensity.

I’m not familiar with all the cultures in the world, but I’ve lived long enough in this country to understand ours. Americans tend to react negatively to strong, intense women because our culture expects the man to be the leader and the woman to be the follower. Yes, that is changing, but it’s still true in most situations. As much as it hurts for either partner to be forceful toward the one who doesn’t have that temperament, it seems to be much more painful if it is the husband experiencing that from his wife. Culturally, maybe even religiously, he sees himself as the leader and feels somewhat emasculated if he feels that she is usurping his responsibility. For many, it would be seen as usurping not just his responsibility but his right.

Interestingly, in each situation I recently encountered, I had great difficulty convincing the wife to stop degrading her husband by her verbal attacks, countenance, tone of voice, and the like. It appeared that at least in these four cases, each wife had lost respect for her husband because he wouldn’t stand up to her strong personality and deal bluntly and directly with their problems. The quieter he became — the more protected behind a wall he built to avoid her onslaughts — the more she attacked. When I tried to explain that this wasn’t his temperament, she replied that it should be.

Does that mean that thes Commander wives were insensitive? Well, it’s according to whom the insensitivity is addressed. They tended to be insensitive to the effect their words had on their husbands but extremely sensitive to anything he said in reply, no matter how mild, and would become angrier quickly.

Does this sound like woman bashing? I hope not because I am not in any way trying to be sexist. I’m a reporter here, not a commentator. I’ve seen the very same thing with Commander husbands and Completer wives. It just seems that when the role is reversed it somehow is more intense. Again, maybe that’s a cultural thing. It’s at least an expectation thing.

So what does a couple in this situation do to become happy? Unfortunately, I cannot explain that in detail this short space. It involves the following steps:

1. Understanding your own temperament and the temperament of your spouse.

2. Understanding what NOT to do when communicating with your spouse.

3. Understanding what TO do when communicating with your spouse.

4. Learn and use a system of compromise that leads each of you to get what makes you happy.

5. Follow through on this new understanding and methodology for the rest of your life.

If you followed that, it means that typically you don’t have to have therapy or counseling. The problem typically can be rectified by an educational process that you then implement in your methods of interacting with each other. I know. I’ve seen it work repeatedly over the last decade.

The book Your LovePath can help. Get on the discount list by emailing info@joebeam.com. The best I can offer you, however, is an intense educational weekend in which I interact with you directly to help you see how it applies to you and your situation. Additionally, for the next few months I am making myself available to those who attend the workshop for 90 days after the workshop. You can find out more about the workshop by contacting us at http://www.joebeam.com/troubled_marriages.htm#form.

Please know this. If you have this type problem and don’t deal with it, life is much more likely to get worse than get better. You can learn the methods to live together happily.

Soon I’ll share some fascinating things I’ve uncovered in research about marital and sexual satisfaction. It’s not quite ready to go yet — and I may ask you to participate in a survey if you wish! — but for now let me mention one clear point that has come through in my research so far.

Many men have diminished sexual attraction to their wives because their wives have gained weight.

No, I’m not trying to be sexist nor do I buy into that idiocy that only thin people are happy, have worth, etc. I’m simply telling you what research bears out. Men tend to be visual creatures and when their spouses become obese they find their sexual attraction diminished somewhat. By the way, for many women this also holds true. Additionally, my research indicates that many women find their husbands less sexually desirable because of hygiene — hair, smells, fingernails, sloppy clothes, etc.

I’ll speak to these topics myself soon, but in the meantime I refer you to this resource http://www.100bestdatingsites.com/blog/2008/what-to-do-when-your-spouse-gains-weight-100-tips-and-resources/.

To help me focus on the most important things, write me at info@joebeam.comto tell me your thoughts about what diminishes sexual attraction for a spouse.

(If weight or any other matter is negatively affecting your marriage, we can help. Go to www.maritalproblems.com.

Question sent to Joe: “You answered a question for a woman on the Woody & Jim show on December 9th concerning the porn that her boyfriend was viewing on the Internet.  I listened and it is exactly what I am going through with my husband of 20 years.  Can you reply with the answer that you gave her?  I need to show your comments to my husband so that he can see what an expert thinks of the feelings that I am having about his porn obsession.”

Reply: I will answer briefly here. If you wish to hear a recording of the call, go the Woody and Jim podcast page at http://www.1075theriver.com/cc-common/ondemand/ and you can find it from there.

Women tend to compare themselves to other women. If you doubt that, sit on a bench at the mall and watch people watch people. You’ll notice the occasional guy who ogles women, but I predict that if you pay attention you will notice that women look at women much more than men do. Just not for the same reason. I’ve asked the thousands of women who attend my seminars, “Do you look at other women, mentally compare yourself to them, and often feel that you come out second best?” The answer from every audience is an overwhelming yes. It seems to be a female trait. We could philosophize about the reasons: media, childhood experiences, self-esteem, etc. It really makes little difference why; the fact is that it just is.

Guys know this from the other angle. She asks if she is pretty. She asks how a certain piece of clothing makes her appear. She asks if he will ever marry again if anything happens to her. It is a need for assurance that he finds her attractive and still chooses her over all the other women he encounters.

Imagine what his watching porn does to that need for assurance.

One woman in Texas said it so eloquently years ago. I wish I had a recording because my paraphrase cannot begin to touch her poignant words. She commented that she wished she could have surgery from the top of her head to the end of her toes so that perhaps her husband would wish to look at her rather than those women on the Internet.

If a guy tells his beloved that the porn means nothing to him, I’d first argue that he’s not honest with himself. But be that as it may, hear me as I scream at the top of my lungs, “WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HER?” If you watch porn, I dare you to ask her for her honest answers to these questions:

“How do you feel about yourself when I look at porn?”

“What do you think about when you realize that I just watched porn?”

“Do you feel that I find their bodies more attractive than I find yours? If so, explain that to me so that I understand.”

“What does the porn lead you to feel about yourself sexually?”

“What does the porn lead you to feel about me sexually?”

The list could go on for pages but by now you get the idea. I haven’t discussed mental, emotional, or spiritual dimensions of porn, though I could. However, it should be enough just to know what it does to your mate. Claim all you wish that it is harmless, but if it diminishes the confidence, self-esteem, or well-being of your spouse, then it is most certainly not harmless.

If you wish me to speak to other aspects of porn — such as what it does to a relationship over time — just ask. The place to do that is http://www.joebeam.com/sex_advice_questions_answers_education.htm.

If you are married but it isn’t going well — either one or both of you are miserable and thinking of getting out — I would like to give you a gift.

I offer a copy of my new book Your LovePath. I’m not implying that simply reading a book can solve all marital problems, but I’ve written this book to address the most important matters in growing in love and rescuing lost love. It actually demonstrates the path that you followed as you fell in love and the path you likely followed as love weakened or died. Better than that, I show you how to use that same LovePath to fall in love all over again. Because I know that you may be the only one to read the book — perhaps your spouse has no interest at this point — it can actually lead you to follow the steps to lure your resistant spouse back onto the LovePath.

Email me telling me about your marriage and why you seek to rescue your love. I will read all those emails and choose a person to receive one of the first copies of Your LovePath to come off the press. If you don’t win, I’ll send you a coupon to get a discount on the book.

Send the email to info@joebeam.com. Be aware that I may use quotes from various emails in future blogs and such, but I will protect the identity of anyone whose quotes I use. 

Get those emails in ASAP. I’ll choose in a few days.

Love. Some want it. Some had it. Some didn’t like the way it turned out. Some wish to find it again.

If you are currently single, I wish to assist you in falling in love with the right person to marry and live with for the rest of your life. This offer is to both single men and single women. The way I can be of greatest assistance is to teach you the LovePath.

In Your LovePath I show you how people fall in love, what true love is, what makes it happen, what makes it last, and what to do if love falters. It is exactly what the title implies, the path for love. As I told Montel Williams on his TV program, “Falling in love is a process. If you follow the process, you fall in love whether you mean to or not. If you vacate or violate the process, you fall out of love whether you mean to or not.” Those who know and understand the process use it to fall in love and stay in love. Those who don’t just take their chances.

The book, Your LovePath, comes out soon. I can’t sell it to you yet because I don’t have it in hand. However, I can and do offer this. Email me telling me that you are single but want to be in love — a love that will last a lifetime — and why you seek that love. I will read all those emails and choose a person to receive one of the first copies of Your LovePath to come off the press. If you don’t win, I’ll send you a coupon to get a discount on the book.

Send the email to info@joebeam.com. Tell what you seek when it comes to love and why you want the book. Be aware that I may use quotes from various emails in future blogs and such, but I will protect the identity of anyone whose quotes I use. 

Get those emails in ASAP. I’ll choose in a few days.

Dwaine Allison has magic hands. At least that’s what his chiropractic patients claim. Doc has extremely limited vision and seems to have balanced that out with a peculiar gift of using his hands to see what most of us cannot. My son-in-law Lee Wilson says that Doc can feel around on his back and neck for a couple minutes and then ask him things such as what major decision is he trying to make, or “Oh, I see that you’ve made your decision.” Lee says that whatever the question or comment, it’s always right on so, as I said, magic hands.

Though Doc has the vision problem, he decided to accompany Lee and me to a University of Alabama football game a few weeks ago. Though we were on the fifty-yard line and the 11th row (Thanks to our friends, Glen and Marsha Crow), when I asked Doc how much of the field he could see he replied, “What field?” Because Doc is one of the fastest wits in the nation, I can’t always tell when he’s kidding, but I was pretty sure that summed up what he could see. Doc went for the enjoyment of the road trip and his intellect and quick mind made sure that it was a great trip for all of us.

We found a parking spot some distance from the stadium. We were on a residential street and I think in someone’s yard, but others were parking there as well so we followed blissfully along. I checked my GPS before we left the car and it said that we were a little over a mile from our destination. Lee and I hedged Doc on both sides so that someone didn’t run into him (or he into anyone) and made our way to the game.

We walked more briskly on the way back because it had gotten quite cold. I led the pack as we neared to car so that I could start the engine and get the heater on. Doc complimented me on how fast I walked and inquired as to whether I walked daily for my health. I replied, “Nah, I don’t have any discipline.”

He replied, “Is that your affirmation?”

Doc hit directly on a truth I’ve known most of my life but seemed to have forgotten in the last couple decades. The “self-talk” we generate affects the way we think and act, not just consciously, but unconsciously.

Interestingly, just the other day as I flipped channels, I ran across a program about the human brain. Part of the program focused on the Navy volunteers who wish to become SEALS. A small percentage of those accepted into the program actually make it all the way to graduation. The instructor they interviewed said that it wasn’t physical brawn that made the difference in those who made it and those who didn’t. He said it was the way they think. For example, one of the most difficult tests is the “underwater pool competency test.” The aspiring SEALS submerge in a pool wearing SCUBA gear and then come under repeated attack by instructors who cut off their air in various ways. To pass, they have to figure how to get their air working again and not panic or lose composure and surface.

The Navy found that those who succeed in becoming SEALS practice the “big four.” They are goal setting, mental rehearsal, self talk, and arousal control.

1. Concentrating on specific goals helps the brain bring structure to chaos and keep emotions in check.

2. Mental rehearsal is visualization, continually running through an activity in your mind so that when you do it for real, it comes more naturally.

3. Self talk helps focus thoughts. According to the program, “The average person speaks to themselves at a rate of 300 to 1,000 words a minute. If these words are positive instead of negative, can do instead of can’t, they help override the fear signal coming from [the panic button in the brain].”

4. Arousal control centers on breathing to offset negative emotions such as panic. Controlled breathing helps relax the body which helps the brain keep calmer.

Though I’m likely not going to join the Navy to try to make it as a SEAL, I can see that those four methods can and will affect my mind and, therefore, my actions. A person who uses them faithfully toward any goal — from losing weight to being successful to overcoming a handicap – would have far more likelihood of doing the right things and avoiding the wrong things. S/he would be less likely to experience negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, or even panic, and more likely to be calm, confident, and in control even when surrounded by chaos.

The problem, as Doc pointed out with his question to me, is that we too often use negative self talk. Why? Maybe it’s because we either have no genuine goals, or at least don’t have goals that are emotionally important to us. If we do any mental rehearsal, we think of all that could go wrong. Well, now that I think of it, too much of my visualization isn’t about what I want to achieve but instead a reliving of things that went badly in my past. If others do the same thing, it is no wonder that we have such difficulty with arousal control. We worry. We concentrate on the bad that could occur. We become timid instead of brave. And, yes, we can become overweight and out of shape. If someone asks why, we respond with the self talk we hear inside our heads all the time, “I can’t…I don’t…I’m not…”

If that kind of process negatively affects your weight, your health, your success, your parenting, your marriage, or your spirituality, then examine your affirmations. What are you telling yourself?

So, I’m going to find out if I will indeed use these “big four” to change my physical condition. What do you need to apply them to in your life?

If you want someone to help you accomplish achieving a better marriage — or help a marriage of someone that you love — call 615-545-6957 or see http://www.joebeam.com/troubled_marriages.htm#form.

Tom McCoy pastors Thompson Station Church in, of all places, Thompson Station. January marks his 20th anniversary with that church. When he became pastor, he and Leighann brought the membership total to 8 people. Their Sunday morning attendance now tops 1,800 and they’re rapidly growing. It’s the only church he’s ever pastored, so I guess you would agree with me that he is a leader gifted by God.

Tom fascinates me. Though he has a DMin (Doctor of Ministry) degree, he’s by no means one of those theoretical, philosophical guys who can discuss anything but gets little done. He rolls up his sleeves and gets into the lives of people. He claims that he’s not an intellectual but just operates by common sense. I find him to be one of the most insightful people I’ve ever met on any subject we talk about. Sometimes it aggravates me that his “common sense” brought him to understand things that it took me years of reading, research, and experience to work out. Nah, it doesn’t really aggravate me; I just tell him that. Actually, I’m thrilled to have neighbors like him and Leighann, a wonderful writer and quite busy speaker.

That’s right, Tom and Leighann live on the same drive with George and Crystal, and Alice and me. Great neighbors all. George and Crystal work harder than any two people I’ve ever seen so I try not to look out the window in their direction when I’m lazing around being a sofa spud. They come home from work, change clothes and then launch into yard-work, remodeling their house, cleaning and waxing their cars, or whatever else tops their priority list that day. I expect some night I’ll look over there to see them building a full scale replica of the Eiffel Tower in their back yard just becuase they realized they had some idle time. And to top all that, they are two of the friendliest and kindest people I’ve ever seen.

Anyone on our drive would do anything for anyone else. That’s pretty cool in a day when most people seem not to know who their neighbors are. We really like living here.

I heard on the news the other day that more than 200,000 mortgage foreclosures occur every month now. If I heard it right, more than a half-million people in the USA were laid off last month. The economy is awful, not just here but all over the world. The most optimistic opinion I’ve heard is that it will take at least 18 months to turn things around. Maybe Obama’s crew can get it done faster. I pray they do.

Alice and I have had to think about what would happen if the economy put us in a position where we couldn’t pay our mortgage. We’d have to sell our house, of course, taking whatever loss occurred. We’d lose living on this great drive with great neighbors. I’d no longer have my yard that I drive around on my John Deere as I cut the grass. Oh, and we’d have to sell the Deere. The more I thought about it the more I worried. What if what is happening to so many happened to us?

That’s the state of mind I was in when we went to a concert at Thomson Station Church as Tom and Leighann’s guests. George and Crystal were invited too, of course. We sat near each other and talked until the concert started. Just before the intermission, a young man (forgive me that I forget his name) made a presentation about Compassion International. That’s a group through which you can sponsor a kid in another country who has needs we seldom think about — food, medicine, shelter, clothing. He showed slides of children in his arms as he has traveled to those places in the world where these basic needs exist. As he talked it was almost as if God nudged me. I realized that my fears — rational or not — aren’t about whether we will eat, get medical attention, or have a warm place to sleep. No matter how bad the economy gets in the USA, there will always be people who will feed, clothe, and shelter us in this nation. Staring at a picture of a little girl whose teeth had fallen out, whose beautiful brown skin was now a sickly shade of gray, I felt like the most self-centered man on the planet.

Alice and I will sponsor one of those children. How could we not? And I decided to send an email to my daughters to tell them how blessed we are and that if the economy were to hit us as it is hitting so many families already in the USA, it’s not the end of our world. It’s just stuff. Stuff that most people in the world don’t have. As I turned on the laptop, I found that my daughters — completely independent of the experience Alice and I had just had — were thinking the same way and sending emails to us saying, in essence, the same thing.

As long as we have the people we love, our health, and our God, what should we fear? Losing a house, a car, a tractor? Ridiculous, isn’t it? As my early mentor, Paul Tarence, taught me so many years ago, “When you find yourself afraid or worried, stop and ask ‘What is the worst that can happen?’ Then you will typically discover that as long as you are with God, the worst usually isn’t as bad as you have made it in your mind.”

So to all those people who struggle with cancer, MS, or anything else: And to all those in the world who have no food, or shelter, or clothes: I’m sorry that I let the current economy make me worry. Forgive me for being so blessed and feeling so anxious in times like these. Instead of begging God to let us keep what we have, I will focus on asking Him to give you what you need.

After all, if we have those we love, we have health, and have God, all the rest of it is just stuff.

(If your marriage — or the marriage someone you love — is in trouble, let us help. http://www.joebeam.com/troubled_marriages.htm#form or call 615-545-6957. It’s a lot more important than worrying about stuff.)