Books by Joe Beam

How Do I Know If I'm in Love?
by Joe Beam

“Love is a feeling you feel when you feel you’re feeling a feeling you never felt before.”

Sounds profound, doesn’t it?

I quoted it for years until I thought about the first time I received an electric shock. That was a feeling I’d never felt before, but I’ll guarantee you it wasn’t love!

The problem with the word love is that we use it to apply to so many emotions or situations that we sometimes don’t know what it means. So what is it? What is this thing called love?

Dr. Robert Sternberg at Yale University probably defines it best. He says that love consists of three components: 1) decision/commitment; 2) intimacy; and 3) passion. When all three strongly exist in our feelings for another person, he says that we feel consummate love for that person. What do these components mean?

  • Decision/Commitment has both a short-term and long-term dimension. The short-term dimension occurs when we consciously decide that we love someone. The long-term dimension occurs when we commit to maintain that love. Interestingly, some evolve into commitment without ever consciously deciding to do so.
  • Intimacy means closeness, connectedness, warmth, and bondedness. It has to do with understanding each other, accepting each other, and having open and intimate communication with each other.
  • Passion is physical attraction, sexual desire, and other strong emotional attraction to another person.

These three components of love were recognized in the time of Jesus. Commitment corresponds to agape found in passages like Matthew 5:44. Intimacy corresponds to philia found in passages like Titus 2:4. And Passion corresponds to eros. Dr. Sternberg didn’t find anything new in his research; he simply quantified how these components measure love.

So what does this mean to you?

I constantly hear people say things like, “I’m not sure if I love my husband,” or “I don’t know if my husband loves me.” Well, you can know. Instead of trying to measure an undefined, intangible feeling, try to understand how each of the three components exists in your marriage. The best way to do that is to have a revealing conversation with your spouse. The following exercise isn’t foolproof, but it may give each of you insight into the love in your relationship. You must do the exercise together and you must be completely honest.

  1. Each spouse describes/defines what commitment means to him or her.
  2. Using the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her commitment to the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.
  3. Each person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of commitment we each have?
  4. Each spouse describes/defines what intimacy means to him or her.
  5. Using the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her feelings of intimacy for the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.
  6. Each person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of intimacy we each feel?
  7. Each spouse describes/defines what passion means to him or her.
  8. Using the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her feelings of passion for the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.
  9. Each person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of passion we each feel?
  10. Now, together evaluate the love you feel and decide what each of you can do to develop more commitment, intimacy, and passion.

It may take you an evening or two to complete the exercise, but if you do, you’ll likely have a clearer picture of your love for each other. You may wish to visit the Family Dynamics web site to complete Dr. Sternberg’s questionnaire designed to measure the three components as they exist in your relationship.

If you don’t like everything you hear from each other, don’t panic. We’ll show you how to make love grow, no matter what you feel for each other right now. I guess that would sound arrogant except for the fact that at Family Dynamics we’ve seen it happen with thousands of marriages.

-Joe Beam
President & Chairman of the Board
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2001 Joe Beam. All rights reserved.

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Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually & Sexually
Joe Beam's amazingly successful formula for bringing intimacy back into marriage was chronicled on Good Morning America. He has brought healing and renewal to thousands of marriages through countless seminars conducted around the world. Now he reveals his compelling knowledge and groundbreaking insight in Becoming One.

Whether you believe your marriage is in critical condition or simply in need of some vital attention, this book opens the door to astonishing results. You will learn how to bring an intimacy, involvement, and sexual intensity back into your marriage that perhaps you haven't experienced in some time.

God doesn't want you to simply exist in your marriage; he wants you to flourish and thrive to his glory. Open this book, and you will open the way to the intimacy you've always wanted.

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