by Joe
Beam
“Love
is a feeling you feel when you feel you’re feeling a feeling you never felt
before.”
Sounds profound, doesn’t
it?
I
quoted it for years until I thought about the first time I received an electric
shock. That was a feeling I’d never felt before, but I’ll guarantee
you it wasn’t love!
The
problem with the word love is that we use it to apply to so many emotions or situations
that we sometimes don’t know what it means. So what is it? What is this thing
called love?
Dr. Robert Sternberg at Yale University probably defines it best. He says that
love consists of three components: 1) decision/commitment; 2) intimacy; and 3)
passion. When all three strongly exist in our feelings for another person, he
says that we feel consummate love for that person. What do these components mean?
-
Decision/Commitment has both a short-term and long-term dimension. The short-term dimension occurs
when we consciously decide that we love someone. The long-term dimension occurs
when we commit to maintain that love. Interestingly, some evolve into commitment
without ever consciously deciding to do so.
-
Intimacy means closeness, connectedness, warmth, and bondedness. It has to do with understanding
each other, accepting each other, and having open and intimate communication with
each other.
-
Passion is physical attraction, sexual desire, and other strong emotional attraction to
another person.
These
three components of love were recognized in the time of Jesus. Commitment corresponds
to agape found in passages like Matthew 5:44. Intimacy corresponds to philia found in passages like Titus 2:4. And Passion corresponds to eros. Dr.
Sternberg didn’t find anything new in his research; he simply quantified
how these components measure love.
So
what does this mean to you?
I
constantly hear people say things like, “I’m not sure if I love my husband,”
or “I don’t know if my husband loves me.” Well, you can know. Instead
of trying to measure an undefined, intangible feeling, try to understand how each
of the three components exists in your marriage. The best way to do that is to
have a revealing conversation with your spouse. The following exercise isn’t
foolproof, but it may give each of you insight into the love in your relationship.
You must do the exercise together and you must be completely honest.
- Each spouse describes/defines
what commitment means to him or her.
- Using
the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her commitment to the other
on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.
- Each
person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of commitment
we each have?
- Each
spouse describes/defines what intimacy means to him or her.
- Using
the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her feelings of intimacy
for the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.
- Each person
then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of intimacy we
each feel?
- Each
spouse describes/defines what passion means to him or her.
- Using
the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her feelings of passion
for the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.
- Each person
then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of passion we each
feel?
- Now,
together evaluate the love you feel and decide what each of you can do to develop
more commitment, intimacy, and passion.
It
may take you an evening or two to complete the exercise, but if you do, you’ll
likely have a clearer picture of your love for each other. You may wish to visit
the Family Dynamics web site to complete Dr.
Sternberg’s questionnaire designed to measure the three components as
they exist in your relationship.
If you don’t like everything you hear from each other, don’t panic.
We’ll show you how to make love grow, no matter what you feel for each other
right now. I guess that would sound arrogant except for the fact that at Family
Dynamics we’ve seen it happen with thousands of marriages.
-Joe
Beam
President & Chairman of the Board
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2001 Joe Beam.
All rights reserved.
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