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Most of us can't change our feelings at a moment's notice. We typically don't quit crying just because someone tells us to, nor do we lose all hunger just because a person tells us we shouldn't be hungry. We feel what we feel.

If you want your spouse to develop the deepest levels of intimacy with you, you must make it

possible for your spouse to tell you what he or she feels by accepting those feelings as real whether you like them or not. Remember, by accepting what your spouse feels, you have the greatest likelihood of changing what he or she feels.

One couple I worked with was in the middle of a divorce. He'd fallen in love with another woman and was making every preparation to spend the rest of his life with her. As his wife asked me how she could save the marriage, I replied by asking her if she really wanted to save it when he was so head-over-heels in love with another woman. She said, "Yes. At heart I know he's a good man, and I know that he can get past this. I'm hurt. I'm devastated. But I don't want my marriage to end. Is there anything I can do?"

Without taking space to tell you all that we discussed, I need to point out that I helped her understand the value of acceptance. "If you can love him with total acceptance--accepting him even though you don't accept his sin--he may change. Remember, stand strong against his sin; never accept that. But demonstrate to him that you understand what he feels for his lover and that you accept the fact that he feels it."

That's just what she did.

Because so many people in his life had turned against him for what he was doing--his children, his church, his boss--he had no one to talk to but his lover...and now his wife. She became his only contact with the world he was abandoning. He found himself talking with her more and more as she gradually became his best friend, the only one besides his lover who understood and accepted him. She would listen to how he felt and say, sincerely and kindly, "I understand how you feel and think it must be wonderful to feel that kind of love for someone. I cannot accept your sin; you know you're wrong. But I accept how you feel about her and only wish that you could feel that way about me."

Think she did the wrong thing?

I don't.

I saw her turn the man inside out through her Christian compassion, while standing ever firm against his adultery. Her acceptance of what he felt meant that she accepted him, completely and unconditionally. That's what it took to shake him free from his sin. He left his lover and begged his wife for forgiveness and renewal.

Today they're happily married and both serving God.

Intimately.

For more information on Joe Beam's award-winning marriage-enrichment book, click here.